Animal Jokes Options

[acko]

Not an animal - but an octopus !

Man sees advert - This octopus can play ANY musical instrument - if he can't - you win £1,000,000.

The man goes into the pub showing the advert and sees the octopus playing a guitar four times as fast as Hendrix, and then showing the grace and style of Clapton.

Octopus puts down the guitar, and the barman shouts - Come on now, any other instruments??

Guy pulls out a trumpet and says - See if it can play this, then !

Octopus looks at the trumpet, strokes it , moves all of the levers and then proceeds to give it large - Courtney Pine or Humphrey Lyttelton style - great stuff!!

Come on then - says the barman, something much more difficult !!

The man says - hang on , I've got something in the boot of my car that it won't play with !

Goes back out to his car, where he has an old heirloom from his Scottish grandfather - a set of bagpipes in the family tartan.

brings in the bagpipes and gives them to the octopus.

The octopus starts to move the bag and pipes around amidst various tuneless groans and moans from the bag, and looks very hot and confused - after a few minutes, the man shouts out - Hey what about my million pounds? It can't play with my bagpipes !!!

The octopus suddenly replies - I'll play with this bloody thing as soon as I find out where the damn zip is for its' nightdress !!

[acko]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Fools.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ill. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...................
_________________

[Matt]

A man walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead. Straight away the landlord shouts "Wooooooaaaahhh, you can't bring that in here pal", "but he's my pet and he does tricks" the man says and as quick as a flash he says "watch this". He then took the lead off the crocodile and lifted it gently onto the pool table, he opened the crocodiles jaws as wide as he could get them and undid his flies, he took out his willy and put it into the crocodiles jaws, picked up a pool cue and


WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,


hit the croc over the head as hard as he could. The crocodiles jaws snapped shut and everyone gasped until the croc pulled his head away (with a quiet slurp) to reveal the mans willy still intact and without a scratch on it.

The landlord said "that's amazing mate and very brave"

The man then looked round the pub and bellowed "come on then, is anyone brave enough to come and try it", One guy rushed out of the way to the toilet, another guy hid his face behind the newspaper until a little old lady stuck her hand up in the air and said




"go on then, I'll try it but don't hit me as hard as you hit that f*****g crocodile"!!!

[Marblehead]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

This post has been edited by Marblehead: Sep 24 2007, 02:56 PM

[Noah Kaminsky]

Live every day with the morales of a dog. If you cant eat it or screw it .. mickey on it and walk away.

[Matt]

Two honeymoon ducks are staying in a hotel

...as they are about to make love the male duck says' I've no condoms

..I'll call room service'

..so he calls and asks for condoms

...The receptionist says, 'is it alright to stick it on your bill ?'....

'No'..he says...I'll friggin suffocate !'

[Noah Kaminsky]

Two snakes met up outside a pub one evening having both been busy at work. One worked as an accountant - he was an adder- and his mate collected funds for a local charity using a tin to coax loose change out of the passing public -he was a rattler- They strolled into the bar and asked the barman for two pints of snakebite. The barman refused point blank to serve them. When the adder asked why, he was told that snakes cant hold their drink.

[eraina]

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly the Camel."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Noah Kaminsky]

One crisp winters evening a man strolled into a remote village pub with a biscuit tin under his arm. After ordering a pint of smooth he placed the tin on the bar and pulled a fluffy yellow duckling from his over coat and put the bird on the tin lid. The landlord and several drinkers looked on in wonder. The duckling ruffled its feathers chirped and then started to dance up and down the lid. By this time there was a fair crowd gathering to view this unusual spectacle. After five minutes the poor bird looked shattered and the man lifted the duck off the tin and put him back in his coat pocket. The bar came alive with applause and the landlord who was very impressed with the trick pulled the man a free one. After complimenting the stranger, the owner asked him if he was prepared to sell him his duck as it would be a great gimmick for the pub. After another two freebies and some haggling the man said his duck act was up for grabs for 100 quid. The landlord delved into his back pocket and gave the chap two crisp fifty pound notes. Before leaving the bar the duckman gave the owner a contact number in case there were any problems or he wished to do further deals. - At half past three the following morning the man got a call from a very desperate lanlord. The landlord sounded shattered as he pleaded with the man as to a solution to stop the bloody bird dancing on the tin as he and his poor wife hadnt had a wink of sleep due to the noise of the duckling tapping away and chirping all night. - Oh sorry mate said duckman - i forgot to mention earlier, lift the lid off the tin fella and blow the candle out....

[acko]

A cow farmer goes into his field one frosty morning to find his whole herd stood up, stiff as boards, frozen to death, none surviving.

He sits down in the field and starts to cry, wondering how he is going to feed and clothe his family over the winter months.

Suddenly he hears a Yorkshire accent coming from a very old lady at the corner of the field - "Ay oop lad, whats' thar trouble ??

All of my cows have died of cold overnight, and I am ruined, he replied.

The old lady walked into the field and went up to the nearest cow, stroking it's head and breathing into it's mouth.

After a short while, the cow started to warn through, and breathe of it's own accord.

The old lady went around all of the field, doing the same to all of the cows, bringing them all back to life.

When she had finished, she left the field and disappeared from view.

The farmer could not believe his change of luck, and ran to see if he could find the old lady to thank her.

As he left the field, he met the farmer from the next estate - he told him what had occurred, and the other farmer laughed loudly.

Do you know who she is, said the first farmer, I want to thank her?

She'll want no thanks, she does it all of the time, her name's Thora Hird !!

[Marblehead]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's rear end."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,"Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that.

[editor]

This cowboy rode into town and pulled up outside the saloon.
He got off his horse and tied it up, then much to the disgust of the old lady in a rocking chair, went round to the back of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed it full on its backside.
The old lady hollered "Thats disgusting, why the hell did you do that?"
To which the cowboy dryly replied "Chapped Lips Maam"
"Why, does that cure your chapped lips?" she asked.
"No Maam" , replied the cowboy, "but it stops me from licking 'em.................."

[True]

how do you turn a duck into an R&B / Soul Singer?

Stick it in a mircrowave until its Bill Withers

[False]

Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?

It had Mittens.

[True]

1st bloke "Do you know my dog doesn't have a nose?"

2nd bolke "Really? - how does it smell?"

1st loke "Bleedin' awful!"

[False]

Q; Why did the Hedgehog cross the road?


A: To see his Flatmate!

[Marblehead]

Squashed Frog

A young boy was walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will
then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease".

"Why do you want the milkman to catch the disease?", the Madam asked.




..........."Cos he's the prick who ran over my frog!"

This post has been edited by Marblehead: Sep 5 2008, 03:49 PM

[LadyVox]

Frog walks into a bank..........

CLERK. Hello my name's Patricia Whack how can i help u?

FROG. Hello my names Kirmit Jagger, id like to take a 33 thousand pound loan out please?

CLERK. Thats alot of money may i ask what its for?

FROG. Its for a holiday and a new car.

CLERK. Well on such a high loan i will need something as collateral?

FROG. Look my dad Mick Jagger knows the bank manager but as colatteral i will leave u this.
The frog passes over a 1 inch high perfectly formed pink elephant.

CLERK. Right i will just go see the bank manager one moment please.
Patricia Whack walks into the bank managers office and says.......

Theres a frog outside called Kirmit Jagger apparently you know his dad Mick Jagger and as collateral on a 33
thousand pound loan hes left this....."i mean what an earth is it she asks"?


WAIT......................





WAIT.........................






READY.......................





HEHE.........................











BANK MANAGER.
' IT'S A NIC NACK PATTY WHACK GIVE THE FROG A LOAN, HIS OLD MAN'S A ROLLING STONE'.




BA DA BOOM....

[True]

what did the frog say as it hopped into the library?

REDDIT!

REDDIT!

REDDIT!


sorry - that was a particually naff one, but couldn't resist